He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
