How's work?
Spinning.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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