You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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