So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
