im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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