I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
