What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
