A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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