Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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