Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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