Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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