I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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