i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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