So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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