Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
