Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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