last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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