I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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