I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
