Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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