I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
