Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
