connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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