that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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