that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
pop tarts are not kleenex
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
