Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.