Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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