i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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