Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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