Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just had sex on a roof
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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