i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
