I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize