he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
