I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm getting married
To pizza
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
