oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
