I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
