exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
