My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
