one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
