Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
