OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
