When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
birth control should be required to get into college
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you