you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
