you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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