I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
