I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
