i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
