my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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