Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize