1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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