its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
