I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
