i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
