Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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