Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
