I just pynch a tree in the face
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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