God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
