Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
