I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
