she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
