I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
