the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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