saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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