he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
