So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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