If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
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I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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