They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
