i was born a porn star she said
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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